Taboo but True

The intersection of relationships and money is one of the most taboo of subjects; only a handful of columns over nearly 20 years of Modern Love have revolved around the theme. Some surnames in these reader stories, culled from hundreds of submissions, have been shortened because of privacy concerns.

My Husband’s New Shoes

I’ve always made more money than my partner, and I always will. We’ve accepted this reality because he’s a teacher and teachers are criminally underpaid. Still, I never thought about how unfair it was to split bills exactly halfway until he brought it up during couples therapy. In the years we’ve spent living together, I always thought he was too frugal. He mostly shopped at thrift stores and wore things beyond their lifetime. Then he revealed at therapy that he’d felt too strapped for cash after paying our bills, but he didn’t feel like he could say anything. I think he’s an excellent teacher and I respect what he does so much. It’s unfortunate that society doesn’t give it enough monetary value. After our therapist’s suggestion, we started splitting bills through income percentage. I’m happy to report he recently excitedly purchased a great new pair of shoes without guilt.

— Rozette Halvorson, 33

A Father’s Affair and a Daughter’s Dilemma

My relationship with my dad completely transformed when he began an affair with a woman he met while traveling. Apart from the emotional pain and damage — my parents have separated — there’s a financial component. My dad opened a bank account for the woman, and started giving her money and gifts, tens of thousands of dollars to date. My husband and I have been trying to start a family and are exploring I.V.F., for which we have no insurance. In the past, my dad has occasionally helped me with minor financial support. Because of his transgressions, I’ve refused his recent offers to assist now. I’m deeply hurt by what he’s done, and am concerned that money from him would be used to “buy back” our once-good relationship or interpreted as condoning his actions. Although extra funds would help immensely, I feel I must be firm. But I worry, what if refusing his money means we are ultimately unable to have a child?

— Jennifer L., 41

A Fiancée’s Expensive Ultimatum

Less than two years after we met, my former fiancée and I bought a house together and were planning our wedding. As two lawyers, we felt like a power couple. When she became a partner at her firm, I celebrated her success and didn’t feel jealous that her compensation now doubled mine. Her spending had always outpaced mine but, with the new income, it increased dramatically. After about four months of her lifestyle creep, she gave me an ultimatum: either we upgrade our lifestyle with first class flights, 5-star hotels, fancier cars and luxurious vacations, or we were done. When I told her I couldn’t afford to keep up and didn’t want to spend beyond my comfort level, she moved out. I ended up making partner six months after she left me, and now might make more than she does, but I haven’t let it affect my spending.

— Damon Y., 36

Discovering My Dying Husband’s Deceit

When I married my husband, Bob, in 1974, we never discussed who would handle our money. He was earning considerably more than me, and he was a man. Decision by default. It was the relationship my parents modeled to no ill effect. Bob was a wonderful provider, and we enjoyed a life of privilege. In 2015, after decades of my caregiving for his serious medical crises, Bob died from liver disease. Mere months before his death, though, I had made a shocking discovery. Bob had depleted much of our financial investments and retirement account. He had ballooned our home equity loan to hundreds of thousands of dollars to maintain our house and lifestyle when he was no longer earning. Responsibility for betraying me — leaving me with substantial debt — lies with Bob. Choosing financial ignorance over advocacy? That is on me.

— Randye Sundel, 74

Finding Financial Harmony in Friendship

After college, I noticed many of my friends in Rome started to handle money differently. Excited to have a salary, some went out nightly and spent lots on drinking and eating out. They chose glamorous spots and prioritized documenting the outing over actually being together. Other friends, still operating on a student-like budget, preferred entertaining at home. Having honest conversations about our relationships with money helped my friends and I understand each other better and find ways to accommodate our different budgets. Some of my friends are trans, like me, and we organized a beach trip to celebrate our top surgeries. When one friend said he couldn’t afford the trip, we chose a less expensive spot and pitched in a little extra so he could join us. In these moments, you realize who’s there for real and who cares more about posting an Instagram story from a cool place and tagging their friends.

— Leonardo Masci, 27

My Sibling’s Sacrifice

Growing up, my family was very comfortable, but didn’t spend much on gifts or travel. Despite making a good living, my father, a child of the Depression, always worried about money. After his stroke in 2011, my three brothers and I learned that our parents would outlive their savings if they didn’t sell their home and move into assisted living, which they refused to do. My eldest brother, unmarried and without children, told them we’d make it work and moved in with them for over a decade. My younger brothers and I provided care as many weekends as possible. My parents stayed in their home until they died in 2022, both in their 90s, but it came at great sacrifice. Our oldest sibling resents us for not doing more, and we feel he forced us into a financially untenable and extremely stressful position. We are trying to work towards my mother’s dying words to us: “Don’t fight. Please get along.”

— Bettina Bocheff, 61

Learning to Talk About Money

“Did you earn a lot this year?” my husband’s well-coiffed auntie asked him right after greeting us inside a crowded upscale Chinese restaurant in San Francisco. We were meeting for the first time and while I was shocked by her forwardness, my husband was unfazed. “We always talk about money in my family. Money is the road to equality for immigrants,” he said later with a shrug. After he moved to the United States from Hong Kong as a child, he was expected to earn straight As in school and was told plainly by his mother he must choose to be a lawyer, or doctor, if he wanted to have a good life. While my father encouraged me to “pursue a passion,” all money talk in my white, middle-class family was avoided. Over the course of our marriage, the topic soon lost its shame as I learned to openly discuss a subject I’d been raised to think of as taboo.

— Heather Lowenthal, 55

Am I Enough for Her Family?

My girlfriend and I grew up very differently. I’m a first-generation college student who sometimes worked three jobs to make ends meet. She’s from Asia and her father is a very well-connected financial figure. Her parents might move to Manhattan, so she and I went apartment touring for them. Each place we looked at was worth well more than my entire scholarship-financed education. But her parents weren’t satisfied; they’re looking for somewhere even nicer. I’m grateful my girlfriend is more down to earth and I’m excited for our future together. Our relationship has opened me up to possibilities I never considered. Even so, I’ve been coping with questions our differences raise. I think about how wealthy people’s money and influence could solve critical global issues and yet they are more focused on legacy. Their lifestyle and world is one that I can't always morally get behind. Imposter syndrome creeps in too: With my background and career aspirations, am I enough for her?

— James Scimeca, 22

Liquidating Our Love

My ex-partner went through a period of unemployment after leaving a job that was negatively impacting his physical and mental health. We agreed that my income could take on all of our expenses until he found new work. We scrimped and sacrificed and made it work for several months. When he received his first paycheck from his new job, I asked how much he could contribute for rent that month until we had a chance to revisit the budget in full, only to be told that he had already spent the whole paycheck on items for himself. In that moment, I did not even think about the money. I felt a shift from being in partnership to being on my own. This instance brought to the surface a sense of loneliness I’d felt for a while, and a feeling that persisted until our divorce over a year later.

— Heidi D., 35

Should Family Come First?

Early in the pandemic, my content writing agency took off. When I sold it this spring, I received a six-figure payment that could be a high annual salary in the U.S., but is a life-changing sum in India, where I live. My wife and I suddenly transitioned from lower middle class to upper class. Yet our families are still lower middle and degrading financially. We have more than enough for the two of us, but not for the 15 family members we want to help. We send them monthly transfers to cover expenses, including college and medical fees, and see the money is quickly decreasing. It’s a difficult topic to discuss with each other and our families because our culture emphasizes, “Family comes first. No matter what.” Either my wife and I live financially independent for the next 20 years or we continue helping and the money will be exhausted within a couple years.

— Bhavik Sarkhedi, 31

A Hedonist and a Pragmatist

We are a lesbian couple in New Zealand, together 16 years, with a 14-year age gap. How we prioritize spending has become amplified as an issue since we had our two children. My upbringing was to go without and save for the long haul. Mel’s was more hedonistic and based on enjoying life in the moment. She was also spoiled by her parents and consequently struggles with the concept of how to earn and manage money as an adult. She wants me to sell investments to keep us in a good lifestyle and I want her to return to work now that the kids are older, and we can retain our assets and slow down from having big exec jobs (remember the age gap?). This is straining our relationship immensely.

— Sacha Haskell, 54

An Unexpected Role Reversal

When my partner and I first started dating, I paid for everything. I was very financially secure. Owned a townhome, a couple vehicles, didn’t mind paying for others when going out. Then two things significantly changed. First, we had a daughter. Then, I became addicted to gambling. It started with stocks, then transformed into sports betting. Over the last three years, I have lost life-changing amounts of money. It’s crazy, because I was always the financially responsible one. Now, my partner makes as much as me. She went back to school to earn her master’s and is very successful. With my debt, due to gambling, it’s hard for her to stay in our relationship due to worry. I don’t blame her.

— Jim W., 33